I sat at my laptop, ready to blog, and questioned whether I should get all deep and spill my heart and worries on the subject. I feel like the subject of God and faith has been just below the surface of a lot of my posts. If you've been reading, I wonder if you've noticed my hesitancy to delve into it.
First, before continuing, I'll apologize ahead of time if my stream of consciousness offends anyone, whether you are a believer or not. I'm pretty sure I'll be offending the easily offended so consider yourself warned.
Second, some of this may sound silly. But I think when you have "Come to Jesus" moments where you feel comfortable enough to say anything, to ask anything - you ask anything.
So here goes...
When I saw my son die on the floor in front of me and I watched his little soul leave this earth, something happened to me. A part of my soul died and left this earth with him. Then thirty to forty-five minutes later when I literally witnessed his battered and injured soul return to his helpless little body, I knew. With everything in me I knew God had a hand in what I had witness. I knew it was His work. It was a miracle.
Over the last few years, I've learned a lot, witness a lot, endured a lot. I was never angry at God and I wondered why others in my situation would be. It was not His doing, what happened to Christian. I heard and read how it was okay to be mad at God and to bring my anger to Him. Lay my burdens at His feet. But I convinced myself that I was not angry with God. He brought my son back to me. How could I be angry with Him? It was my fault, after all. It was me He should be angry with.
Then I experienced the last two years. We've had happy, miraculous moments, but we've had gutwrenching moments, as well. And it was happening all around me, not just with Christian. The community that we're part of - parents of near drown children, parents of brain injured children - these kids were sick all the time, on death's doorstep again...and again, enduring horrible surgeries, being revived only to die years later from pneumonia. This was not death, per se, but it certainly was not living. It was the in between.
I witnessed parents spend their entire life in healing their children. Some kids thrived and some didn't. It was a crap shoot. I often compare brian injury to scrambled eggs. Those perfect little brain eggs get scrambled so much so that they are unrecognizeable and you have to work with what is left - scrambled eggs.
There are many nights Christian wouldn't sleep. Or, the worst, when he cried inconsolably for hours. I think he has a record of four and a half hours straight. Those are the "Come to Jesus" moments where I wondered where God was. Why He allowed so much suffering, not only with Christian, but with others, as well. I wondered a few more things, too.
I wonder...(And here is where the rant begins)
...Why is it that God does not intervene? Is it part of His plan for Christian to suffer? I understand that God is always with us, but, oddly, understanding that makes it all the more worse for me. Because to understand that it means I have to accept that He stands idly by, because he's always there, watching the struggle and does nothing. We cry out to Him, and nothing. How can we not feel forsaken. Like Christian was saved and now we're on our own. How do I trust that? Most days I can accept that, but some days I just can't.
...Why are some children favored? Do they go to church more? What about if they go to synagogue? Does that count? Does God's light shine brighter on some kids, but not others because they attend a Baptist revival rather than a Catholic mass? I've heard of two little boys who had seemingly catastrophic near drownings and both recovered and literally walked out of the hospital. They were both Mormon. Should we all just convert to Mormonism? Is that where the light is? Is that where the healing happens? Or is it just attending a building? Is that why Christian isn't better? Because we don't attend church on a regular basis? Does it matter what church or what religion? Or that we simply attend? Doesn't matter how we live our lives during the week, just attend on Sundays and maybe even add a few more days on to the schedule and Christian will gain greater healing. Is that how it goes?
...People have told me God didn't want this to happen. But if God has a plan, start to finish, wouldn't you have to accept that this was His will? This was His plan?
...And going back to His miraculousness...I've seen it, I've witnessed it, so that's what makes it so hard to accept. I know that God, being the Almighty, can change things in an instant. He can give us one more ability. He can take away a little bit of pain. And he chooses not to. How am I supposed to accept and trust this? I've rationalized - maybe this happened to Christian because it will effect a doctor that has worked with him, maybe it will make another mother question her child's care, maybe it will make a parent choose to put their child in self rescue swim lessons. But all of this does not seem like a big enough reason! I'm sorry that sounds selfish, but it just doesn't!
I think I'm done with the rant. Hope you're still with me.
Of course, I believe. That's not what this is about. I believe, but that's what makes it so much harder to accept. That God has the power to intervene and doesn't. At least not in ways that I understand. And I often hear the "lean not on your own understanding..." verse playing over and over again in my head, chastising me like a spoiled child. It used to bring me comfort but now it just frustrates me.
The truth is I don't understand. And I may never so I have to begrudgingly accept it because I have no choice in the matter. It is already written, apparently.
And the other truth, perhaps the largest truth, is that I am angry at God. I said it and now I can deal with it. I discovered it yesterday when I was wondering why I was having such a hard time giving in to faith and totally relying on it. Sometimes I envy others when I see how much they've suffered, some much more than I have, but still have this unwavering, all consuming faith.
I have felt the bright light of God shine over us, over Christian many times. I am totally and completely aware of His presence and His hand in day to day occurrences, which makes this all the more difficult to struggle with. I've seen things fall into place for Christian so much so that it looks like the road was paved by God himself, only to turn into a dead end. It makes the trusting part of my relationship with God extremely difficult.
I have accepted Christian for who he is and I love every part of that boy. But what I've discovered in writing this blog is perhaps I don't accept God's decision in the matter. One might argue they are the same thing, but I believe they can be mutually exclusive ideas.
So there you go. This is my heart in blog format. My faith in my son is unwavering. But my faith and relationship with God has been a struggle in understanding. If you have words of faith that can help me understand, please offer them. Anything? I'm not trying to be condescending, and I'm not trying to be converted, I'm just looking for a way back.
Draw me a map that leads me back to you
I don't know where to go, please tell me what to do
Help me find the road you're on
I just need directions home
Draw me a map that leads me back to you