Christian had a play date a few weekends ago with his buddy Quentin. It was really a double play date. Let's just say the boys got to benefit from the moms wanting to bake chocolate things and eat them with a side of wine. Lucky kids, lucky moms.
We got to talking, as fellow moms tend to do when there is chocolate and wine involved. We started talking about trying new things with our boys. But not in the way that you think.
I'm just going to go ahead and say it - the truth. Truth is, I don't want to try new things anymore. It doesn't mean I won't. I just don't want to.
Trying new things puts me in a different frame of mind. I feel like I've come into the beautiful world of acceptance. This world runs a little more smoothly. It makes for a little more calm. And it's happy there. Blissfully unaware of what may or may not send your child into a tailspin.
When I try something new, I leave that world just a little bit. I'm all of the sudden on alert for anything "new" or different. Anything "better."
Did I see it? Is that different? Has he been doing that all along? Am I seeing things? Maybe it's just because he's sick? Is that a seizure or is he excited?
I poke around, observing Christian as if he were a patient and not my son. And when things turn out differently than expected, there is a level of disappointment. Then I'm really not in the world of acceptance any longer. I've taken the off ramp and I need to pull over.
I've felt like this for a while now. At least a year. That's why I haven't been overly anxious to travel for therapies or really try anything new for improvement. It wasn't until we had the opportunity to try Ambien that I got anxious again. Anxious for better. Anxious for more.
The Ambien turned Christian into a child that was a different Christian. Not better. Just different. I didn't know him very well on Ambien. And I'm not sure it really did him any good. But what I can say is that it's been about a month since we stopped, and for the last four weeks I've felt anxious. Anxious to get my old Christian back.
In my last blog post I wrote about missing baby Christian. Well, I've also missed the Christian prior to Ambien. I feel like he's finally settling down from that experience and I am so happy to see my old Christian again. It's like a deep breath. On the exhale, comes a realization that maybe he is better. And maybe it is very much better hanging out in this world of acceptance.
I read a friend's blog (Mason's Mommy) and in it she posted a writing called I am the Child by an unknown author written from the perspective of a child. I was particularly struck by this -
My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity.
Christian's favorite thing in the whole wide world is to be held. And our arms are so important to him. He may not need Ambien. He may not need another therapy trip. But he most certainly needs our arms holding him.
So will we try new things? Sure. But I'm not anxious for it. I want to be in the happy place of acceptance. It makes me a better mom. And I think as long as our arms are around this little boy, he's happy in the place of acceptance, too.
So what's new for now? Hopefully more play dates!