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Sunday, May 16, 2010


“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – Patrick Overton

July 8, 2010 will be a year. Sometimes I think about the details of the events that transpired on that date. A lot of it I don't remember. And then I think...that really happened?

Yeah, it did.

How did we make it out alive?

Blind faith.

I'm not sure how I'll feel on that day. Today looking forward it's a funny feeling of terror and gratefulness, each pulling evenly. See, that was the day my son died in my arms. And that was the day he was given back to me again. It's like his second birthday.

I don't understand why he was given back to me. And it wasn't because a medical team gave him back to me. From the events that occurred, I truly believe it was Divine intervention. I mean he was on his way out, he was gone. They were on their last attempt to bring him back from no pulse and no heartbeat. We were supposed to be saying goodbye. And then he came back as soon as I touched his leg. Just. Like. That.

When I think of this profound moment, I think how amazing it is that Christian is right here with me, right this moment. He is literally an angel sent from heaven.

I don't mean the "Oh, he's such a little angel sent from heaven," type of angel. I mean he's an ANGEL. He died that day. He crossed over. He saw God. And he came back to earth. Not many people on earth have done that. He has love and knowledge and wisdom just from that little trip alone that we don't have. And even though it's all locked up in this little body that doesn't quite know how to move yet, it's there. I'm sure of it. I mean I look at him and I'm overwhelmed by the thought - you, little man, saw God.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I've had unwavering faith. Let me tell you, to say that my faith has been tested is an understatement. I've never asked why this happened to us. I know why it happened. I failed him.

No, I never asked why. But I asked why he was saved and not other kids that this has happened to. I've wondered why the rate of progress is so very different for kids with the same injury. I've wondered why if God can heal on the spot, why He hasn't chosen that for Christian, when we've already seen His power and what He can do.

Okay, so my faith has been tested. And I'm trying to capture a little of that blind faith I clung to so fervently in the beginning.

It's not of my understanding. My ways are not His ways. And I'm finally getting to realize that maybe just maybe this whole world and the way it rotates is not about me and Christian. There is a bigger plan. There's a bigger plan for Christian that I'm not privy to, I guess.

So it's time for a deep breath. In church today, the pastor spoke about freedom. Which is funny, because that word and that idea has resonated with me in the last few months. The pastor spoke about being free from the strong hold of negative thoughts and negative energies, more or less. He said, no, it is not of our understanding but we're just going to have

And I remember in those first days and first weeks after Christian's accident I didn't even listen to the doctors. I didn't even listen. I can't even remember what most of them said if it was negative. I just believed. I believed. I trusted. Blindly. And we made it through.

So it's time to start blocking some of that medical gibberish and paralyzing, deep rooted negativity that seeps into my thoughts. It's time to start getting this blind faith walk on.

It's time to start flying.


Alicia said...

Wow. Absolutely beautiful words, Shauna. Tears and goosebumps, especially when you talked about your little man seeing God. Doesn't get more earth shatteringly powerful than that, does it?

Honestly, it has occurred to me that the one year mark is fast approaching. I have been thinking about you and how you will deal with that day when it comes. I have been praying that you will feel the appropriate amount of sadness and regret because it is important to feel those things and not deny the sadness you feel. But more than that, I have prayed that you will feel the pure joy of the fact that Christian made it! He is here! And getting better all the time! It looks like my prayers for you will come true! I love your perspective that God gave Christian to you twice. What a wonderful way to look at it!

I have wavering faith. I have gotten caught up in the negativity that comes from the doctor's diagnosis and prognosis. I even get caught up in the negativity that comes with Marissa's extreme temper tantrums. But, you are absolutely right. It is time to be done with all that negativity and get back to what has gotten you through since day one: blind faith. Take that step and fly!

ferfischer said...

I know exactly where you are. Really. Except I'm not religious at all, and I'm not sure what I have faith in, if anything, but we breathe in, breathe out, and do right by Cici. Our kids work harder than ANYONE I KNOW, and the best I can do is to do half as well as her! I will be right beside you on your anniversary date, like you were for ours. And honestly, I can tell you, the anticipation is worse than anything. That day for us was lovely - we were snowed in, life was busy, and I didn't even cry. I was surrounded by family in person and online, and it was awesome. It will always be the day that I am reminded of how wonderful humans are capable of being to each other - of everything GOOD in the world.

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