“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – Patrick Overton
July 8, 2010 will be a year. Sometimes I think about the details of the events that transpired on that date. A lot of it I don't remember. And then I think...that really happened?
Yeah, it did.
How did we make it out alive?
I'm not sure how I'll feel on that day. Today looking forward it's a funny feeling of terror and gratefulness, each pulling evenly. See, that was the day my son died in my arms. And that was the day he was given back to me again. It's like his second birthday.
I don't understand why he was given back to me. And it wasn't because a medical team gave him back to me. From the events that occurred, I truly believe it was Divine intervention. I mean he was on his way out, he was gone. They were on their last attempt to bring him back from no pulse and no heartbeat. We were supposed to be saying goodbye. And then he came back as soon as I touched his leg. Just. Like. That.
When I think of this profound moment, I think how amazing it is that Christian is right here with me, right this moment. He is literally an angel sent from heaven.
I don't mean the "Oh, he's such a little angel sent from heaven," type of angel. I mean he's an ANGEL. He died that day. He crossed over. He saw God. And he came back to earth. Not many people on earth have done that. He has love and knowledge and wisdom just from that little trip alone that we don't have. And even though it's all locked up in this little body that doesn't quite know how to move yet, it's there. I'm sure of it. I mean I look at him and I'm overwhelmed by the thought - you, little man, saw God.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend I've had unwavering faith. Let me tell you, to say that my faith has been tested is an understatement. I've never asked why this happened to us. I know why it happened. I failed him.
No, I never asked why. But I asked why he was saved and not other kids that this has happened to. I've wondered why the rate of progress is so very different for kids with the same injury. I've wondered why if God can heal on the spot, why He hasn't chosen that for Christian, when we've already seen His power and what He can do.
Okay, so my faith has been tested. And I'm trying to capture a little of that blind faith I clung to so fervently in the beginning.
It's not of my understanding. My ways are not His ways. And I'm finally getting to realize that maybe just maybe this whole world and the way it rotates is not about me and Christian. There is a bigger plan. There's a bigger plan for Christian that I'm not privy to, I guess.
So it's time for a deep breath. In church today, the pastor spoke about freedom. Which is funny, because that word and that idea has resonated with me in the last few months. The pastor spoke about being free from the strong hold of negative thoughts and negative energies, more or less. He said, no, it is not of our understanding but we're just going to have to...trust.
And I remember in those first days and first weeks after Christian's accident I didn't even listen to the doctors. I didn't even listen. I can't even remember what most of them said if it was negative. I just believed. I believed. I trusted. Blindly. And we made it through.
So it's time to start blocking some of that medical gibberish and paralyzing, deep rooted negativity that seeps into my thoughts. It's time to start getting this blind faith walk on.
It's time to start flying.