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Sunday, January 31, 2010


Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Not an easy task sometimes.

Last week wasn't a fun week for Christian. It was crappy. There...I said it. And I would have used an expletive had it been a few hours ago.

He was doing so well about two weeks ago. Hardly tensing up, no arching, sitting upright without throwing his head back, alert, just doing overall really well.

Then, all of the sudden, he was restless, it seemed. I thought, at first, it was teething. He was drooling a lot and he had three or four teeth just pushing through those little gums. So, of course, Christian would be cranky, right?

But then he was cranky the next day and the next and the next. Cranky when I moved him, cranky during stretching, cranky when eating, and the worst was in the evening when he would just lie down, visibly uncomfortable, stiff and flexed, arching and...crying.

This is how it used to be a while ago. But that had slowly gone away. This is why I think something has to be going on.

The crying. What I longed for and prayed for came to fruition and was music to my ears. It still is at times because it's the only way Christian knows how to communicate. But right now it seems like he is uncomfortable or in pain. I'm so used to going for a pacifier to calm Lola that sometimes when Christian is crying I will think - I need to get a pacif-...wrong kid. And then I get a little bit sad because I don't know what to get him that will make him feel better because I don't know where it hurts.

Needless to say, I am emotionally exhausted. All week I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what is going on. Is it his stomach? Should I call the GI doctor? Is it his muscles? Maybe he needs to be stretched out again. Is he having seizures I don't recognize? He does seem lethargic and sleepier then I would think a child his age should be, even a child in a similar situation as Christian. But do all children with brain injuries sleep a lot? Should I bring it up at the pediatrician's office? No. He's just going to send me to a specialist and I can only handle so many specialists! I will bring it up to the pediatrician but where will that get me? Should I request another EEG with the neuro? Should we do a 24 hour EEG this time? Damn, that will be complicated with the other kids, not to mention a 24 hour stay in a hospital, exposing Christian to all sorts of germs that could lead to more problems...

Can you see why I'm emotionally exhausted?

Trying to figure out how to make things better for him. Trying to figure out how to make Christian's environment and what goes into his body more optimal for him. This is what I think about all day, every day. This is what I pray about at night. And the crying...oh, the crying.

The crying, something I once prayed for, is now a reminder that my son may be in pain. It's a constant reminder to me that I have no idea why he's crying. Now that's not entirely true. I can usually pinpoint why he's upset, but sometimes I can't. I don't know why and I don't know how to make him feel better. It's also a reminder that something could be wrong and this safe little bubble we've been floating in, with it's thin exterior, may easily pop and we're back in the hospital or Christian's getting poked and prodded to figure out what's going on. Can't he just get a good night's sleep and wake up to a new day? That's what I've been hoping for a couple of days now.

Emotionally exhausted. I went to church today and the pastor spoke about leaving your burdens to God and then LEAVING them. We have a tendency to pretend to leave them, but then never let go. I guess right now I'm having a hard time figuring out where the fine line is. Does that mean not to push so much in getting answers to these medical mysteries in my son's brain? But without an answer how do we make things better? Does this mean to keep pushing but to keep open eyes and open ears so I'm open to the answers? I don't know and for today I'm tired of thinking. I'm just...exhausted. And I'm sure Christian is, too.

I'm praying for a better week this week and hopefully some answers. I'm praying that Christian will feel better and happier. And, as always, I'm praying for smiles.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are down. I know this feeling all too well and I can tell you I truly understand. It is frustrating and exhausting. Make sure you take care of yourself. VERY important but VERY hard to do with all that is going on. DO NOT let the doctors bring you down either. It does hurt to see your baby crying and there is nothing you can do about it. But think of it as WOW! He can finally express emotion! When I met Pam and Makenzie back in 2007... she only cried. LOOK how amazing Kenzie is now!!!! I think this is a good thing. IT is something he gained back that he didn't have for a few months. Hang on to hope girl! There are many people behind you and believing!!!

Lindsey and Santana - WE BELIEVE!!!!!

Alicia said...

It just plain SUCKS when our kiddos are not feeling well and we have no clue what is going on. SUCKS! And, as for giving your worries and burdens to God and leaving them with him? I am the world's WORST! I give it to God and say I am going to leave it, then a minute later I'm saying "thanks for holding that for a minute God, I'll take that back now". Every time. Ugh. All this to say that I hear you and your frustrations and your emotional exhaustion. I am praying for you and Christian, that he stops crying and being uncomfortable or in pain. That you will have a better week and get to a point where you can rest and not worry. I am sorry you are going through this right now. Vent anytime, I know it helps me!

Hugs and prayers...

Anonymous said...

Dear Shauna, I have not written before, but have been following your blog since the beginning and praying for you and Christian and your family. I am 72 years old and have known Jesus as my Lord since 1967. Many many times in my life I have given my trials to Him, yet often not letting go of them. Still, the passing of years has taught me over and over again that I can trust the One who came to earth because of His great love. I don't know if this will help you..but I would hope to share with you one simple way of seeing the giving of your burdens over to Jesus our Lord. It is like taking a letter you have written to the post office and dropping it into the mail slot for outgoing mail. No amount of fretting about if or how that letter is going to make it's way as you intended makes any difference to the ultimate goal. It is your 'trusting' in the postal department that gets that letter delivered. You had to let go and fortunately you could not reach back down into the mail slot and retrieve your envelope. You had to walk away from your letter and trust. That is how it is with leaving your burdens with the One who has promised to bear our burdens. You have to trust. You have to believe that He cares and that He is able and willing to pick up your burden and make it His. No amount of 'getting it right' on your part will hinder Him. It's up to the One who is worthy of your trust. Let your faith rest in Him. Faith is believing in what you cannot now see. Peace never comes from trusting in your own self efforts. Peace is a gift from the Prince of Peace. He knows Christian in ways that you can never know him. He sees Christian as he was before the accident, as he is today, and as he shall one day become. He alone 'knows' the little boy you named after Him..Christian. His love for Christian is far greater than your love. His love knows no exhaustion or fear. You can trust Him, Shauna. He will deliver! No matter how many times you reach into that mail slot and desperately try to get a grasp back on what you have given to Him...He will still deliver. He is in this journey with you and He will never back away. Nothing can ever separate you from His love. That is a promise from His word. (It's found in Romans 8:35-39). He is a 'deliverer' of His promises. So very very great is His faithfulness. Donna Paschal

Caroline said...


We are thinking of you. This post put a real frown on my face, but I know it's the reality of the situation. Christian is going to have his ups and downs and I'm really glad you share it all.

Needless to say, I hope he gets more comfortable soon. We'll be thinking of you guys!

Rochelle said...

Shauna, thinking of you and hoping this week is better. What Donna said is true, you have to just let go and trust that God will deliver. Place your worries in His hands. I hope Christian has a more peaceful week. Praying for y'all both.

Shauna Quintero said...

You guys are all amazing and you have no idea how much your comments lift me up.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Tracey said...

And speaking as a mom of an also-crabby, crying-a lot 18 month old, I think this age is just hard. All my friends with 18 month olds are experiencing a lot of crying. So, remember that crying can be "normal" (and annoying, and stressful--I've spent many hours worrying about what's wrong with my boy!)

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