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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Whimpers and Ramblings

Whimpers.

I heard some whimpers. Were they on purpose or was air just escaping across the vocal cords? Who cares?! They happened. A couple of times. I seriously almost cried my eyes out. So whoever out there prayed for Christian's cry to come back, me thinks its on its way.

I held Christian for a while today. He seemed a little more...there. This is the feeling I had yesterday, too. He's been seeming more present. Sometimes I'm surprised by this because day in and day out I'm always looking for improvements - anything - and my patience, or lack there of, gets the best of me. I have to keep reminding myself to give it all to God. You know, people say that and sometimes it sounds easier than it is. To some it may sound preachy. But there is a beauty and a peace in giving your burdens over to God. You can only really control your own actions and choices and everything outside of that is not under our control. I believe God is still working. He's no where near done yet.

People often ask me if I've seen improvements yet. Of course I've seen improvements, but I'm not sure they're the improvements others are expecting - like maybe he'll just sit up, jump down off the bed, and yell for some juicey. Christian's improvements are as small as maybe, possibly, holding the weight of his head for just 3 seconds (which he did tonight). His accomplishments are focusing and making eye contact. His accomplishments are in slow motion. But they are so huge to me. I know it doesn't seem like it's a big deal. And I'm not only talking to "others" but also, in part, to myself. In the grand scheme of things, every little movement counts. They're building blocks creating a foundation for him to grow. This is going to take time. How much time? Who knows. But we owe it to him to be there every second of the way. And we owe it to him to believe he will continue to improve.


Belief is a funny thing. I think you either have it or you don't. In tragedy, those who thought they only believed in God, but not this, or not that, or some round about version of belief find that they are reaching down in the depths of their soul for any faith they have because there are times when faith is ALL you have to get you through. This is a weak explanation of what I've been through and what I'm still going through. But I see God's face when I see my son. I see His work. I see His beauty when I look at Christian. And for those who don't have faith, I feel sad because what do you lean on?

Okay, enough of my ramblings.

I am isolated. I can't get wifi in our room, otherwise I'd be online a lot more. I have to steal an hour or two during the day while Christian is sleeping or wait until almost midnight like right now. I can't wait to get back home. Didn't I say enough of my ramblings?

On to more important things...Christian is going to get fitted for elbow braces tomorrow. This will help keep his arm straight. Although, his arms are pretty loose. I'm hoping to talk to the ortho doctor about foot braces. And there have been a lot of people concerned about Christian's hands. I, too, was a bit concerned. The PT's haven't been all that proactive about his hands because you can get them open pretty easily. I made little dumbbells but I take them out when he takes a bath or goes swimming. He has wrist braces but he gets his little fingers out of them within 10 minutes. So I'm working with rolled up washcloths, makeshift dumbbells, and lots of massage and joint compression. The joint compression works so well! He loves it.

I also get to take Christian all by myself to hyperbarics tomorrow. I had to get a special order from the doctor to break out of prison for a day trip without supervision. Normally, they require transport with a driver and an RT. But tomorrow we're going at it alone. Am I nervous? Not at all. It feels more independent for us, which is what we're trying to get to.

Manny and Gabe are coming tomorrow to stay for the whole weekend! I know it won't be too much fun for Gabe but I'm excited to see him! Our life has changed so much and really won't ever be the same as it was. He's really been a little trooper and rolled with the punches without so much as a temper tantrum. That's not like Gabe, though. He's really accepting of most situations and adapts easily so he's focused on trying to get used to 6th grade. He seriously told me that he just needs to get elementary school over with so he can get on with his life. That was verbatim. He's kind of stoked because they have a class pet - a rabbit named Dusty. And nothing spells cool like animals in the classroom, hopping around during discussions of social studies and geometry.

I had an OB appointment today and Lola looks beautiful. I got another ultrasound picture and we got a really good shot of her big head and profile. Look like another big headed Shauna baby. And still a little sister for my boys.

I love my kiddos!

4 comments:

Brooke said...

What an awesome thing.....for you to be able to take your boy to his treatment all by yourself!! I think that's awesome!!! It shows how things are progressing and moving forward for you guys.....great!!! I pray for a smooth and rewarding treatment for Christian!!
I know it must be SO great when Manny is able to come and be with you.....and then for Gabe to come too.....you have your family there and emotionally that has to be just such a relief for you. You are such a strong woman Shauna! I know I've said it before but I truly feel that way and you continue to amaze me with all your strength and courage.
HOORAY for the wimperings and I pray for MANY more!!! Many prayers coming your way and Christian's way for continued healing and improvements!! XOXOXOX

Alicia said...

That is great to hear that prayers are being answered for your little guy's voice to come back. Amazing!

I have such a hard time giving my burdens to God. I usually give them to Him with a pretty big fight, let Him have them for a little bit, then snatch them right back. Such is the life of a control freak! But it is true that there is such a peace that comes with giving it all to God. I pray you can do that more and more.

I absolutely understand celebrating the "little" steps. Don't let anybody tell you that Christian is not improving. If you see it, then it is happening. I am so excited he is progressing as much as he is. Praise God!

Have a great weekend with your guys! Oh, and if you get a chance, stop by my blog and read my latest post. I have a feeling you'll be able to relate.

graphartpcp said...

Well said, Shauna!
P

gavman306 said...

Yay for whimpers!!! You have such a strong, amazing little boy there, I don't even feel surprised when I read about the amazing things he does anymore...it's just Christian, he's a true miracle!!
It must have felt so good to go on your own to hyperbarics, a sense of normalness, even if it's just a little.
Have a great time with all your boys this weekend, I can only imagine how great it feels to be all together!! Your strength is amazing!! You always see the positive no matter what and THAT is amazing!!!
Oh~ and great news that little Lola is doing so great, big head and all!
God Bless You All!

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